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The Monkey Boy World Awareness Tips Humor Page

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Tips for Everyday Life. By Monkey Boy.

How To Drive

Okay, I've about had it with these stupid Alabamian drivers. No wonder there are so many Alabama jokes going around, these people are dirt stupid! They cut you off, don't even know what a blinker is, and don't get me started on them driving at night with no lights. Today was my last day of school, almost my last day of life. I was driving to school, it had been raining and the roads were kinda slick. I'm going through this traffic light and some turkey decided he would turn right on red. Does he turn into the left lane where nobody is coming? No, he turns right in front of me where I'm going about 45. I had to slam on my brakes, swerve and try not to hit the barrier in the middle of the stinking road! The roads were wet so I was sliding of course and my brakes screeched really loud. Thankfully I didn't hit him but I wanted to with my fist. As I was driving across the bridge, I was waiting for my heartrate to slow down while I was thinking of mean and nasty things I could have yelled at him if I wasn't a Christian. Well, I get across the bridge and go past the cemetary. The left lane is flooded from all the rain. Another bright Alabamian driver decides that since nobody is in that lane, it's the way to go. He drives past me and sprays enormous amounts of water onto my car and windshield. I couldn't see a thing. I finally managed to find my windshield wiper button and when the wipers came on, I saw that I was pretty stinking close to the car in front of me. I slammed on my brakes and had the heart rate of a hummingbird the rest of the trip to school. I'm sorry if I've offended any of my Alabamian friends with this tirade about their terrible driving but this madness has to end now! Here are a few guidelines for everyone to follow (even if you're not Alabamian):
1. Be courteous and don't pull out in front of someone. Just because you see them doesn't mean they see you. They could be emotionally disturbed, changing radio stations, or racing to the hospital and not paying attention. Please be aware that not everyone drives as good as yourself.
2. Get in the turning lane when you want to turn. I have seen so many people get in the turning lane at the last second and almost cause a wreck with a car who got in the turning lane earlier like a good person.
3. Turn on your stinking lights when you are driving at night. I don't care if there are so many road lights on the side of the road that you have to wear sunglasses, turn 'em on anyway! I was coming home from a play two Saturdays ago and I counted six people without their lights on!
4. When you turn right on red, get in the left lane so no kids on their way to school runs into you. It not only puts a damper on your day, but you might cause them to have a cardiac arrest and traumatize them for life.
5. When there's something going on on the side of the road like a sale or a pretty girl, don't slow down and stare. The people behind you might be staring too and not see you brake thus causing a collision and everyone will be staring at you.
6. Don't open your door at a red light and spit tobacco out. Not only is it disgusting to watch for the people behind you but it gets on their tires and might splatter on their cars. I don't understand why anyone would want to chew something and have to spit it out like that.
7. Don't play your music too loud. Nobody wants to be able to pinpoint your location two miles away. Also, the vibration of the bass might destroy the old, fragile cars that some of us are forced to drive.
8. Don't spin your wheels in a gravel parking lot. The rocks you throw up are like little meteors destroying everything in their path, causing destruction such as: chipped paint, cracked windshields, broken teeth, among other things.
9. Don't panic when you see a cop. Too many people slow down to almost a stop when a cop is driving around. This not only frustrates other drivers but slows down the process of getting from here to there. Chances are, that cop is probably driving too fast also. I was going five over the speed limit the other day and a cop still passed me.
10. Above all, drive defensively. There may be the unpriviliged who haven't seen this list so they don't know how to drive. Steer clear of them and give them plenty of room to wreck in the other lane. Let them pass you so they don't rear-end you and don't try to race them.

Well, I think that just about covers it. I hope I have saved some lives with this message. Plese feel free to pass this along to your friends and save their lives. America's roads are the worst place to be (especially in Alabama). Drive safely!

Tips on How To Dress for Job Interviews

Okay, now that I have finally graduated and find myself with time on my hands, Mom has asked me (okay forced me) to find a job. We went to the employment agency today after finding out that the manager at Sears Portrait Studio wouldn't be back for another three weeks. After much waiting and staring at strange people, I finally got an interview.
I would like to share what I learned from this experience and hopefully help you in case you find yourself unemployed for some unheard of reason.
1. You should dress at least fairly nice. There were some black guys that came in the agency with saggin' britches and the like. Remember, no one wants to know if your underwear is white or off white with stains or if you've got Tasmanian Devil boxers. People just don't want to know those kind of things. So please, keep your shorts up.
2. Don't wear shirts that leave your belly exposed. Prospective employers are not interested in the number of belly button rings you have managed to fit in that tiny hole. Also, some people have belly button lint that is so unattractive so please, cover your midsection.
3. Guys, don't wear earrings. Men just shouldn't wear earrings for two reasons: One, it just doesn't look good and Two, if you're pretty close to a girl, your earrings might get hooked together for an embarrassing moment you will never forget (kinda like the kissing with braces scenario)
4. Girls, don't wear 14 earrings in each ear. With that kind of weight putting pressure on your head, you might not be able to perform your job with efficiency. Now I know where they got that song "Do Your Ears Hang Low?"
5. Don't go sporting off your tattoos of flaming skulls or hearts with knives through them. We realize that your girlfriend is semi-attractive but not on your chest. Tattoos are a distraction to people because they might be staring at your tattoo and not doing their job so we can't have that kind of distraction in the work place.
6. Guys, don't have long hair. It is gross, it's a breeding place for lice, it smells occasionally, and you might shed all over the donut box. So please, keep it trimmed back above your shoulders (or above your ears)
7. Guys, go clean shaven. There's nothing wrong with beards mind you, but they can get a bit of overkill. We don't want any ZZ Top impersonators in the work place and your beard can become a safety hazard in several ways. One, if you smoke, imagine some ashes from your cigarette falling onto your facial hair and igniting it. You'll have to grow another beard to hide the scars. Two, if you're around machinery and the like, your beard could get caught in it and pull you with it. While this may give you a rough shave, hair may not be the only thing it pulls off your face (like skin and important stuff like that)
8. Girls, don't fix your hair in some funky style. Forget what those stupid magazines show is the style, they're all ugly. Go conservative and plain but cute. Don't use a lot of hair spray, we don't want another hole in the ozone layer wherever you walk.
9. Take a bath. This is one of the more important ones. Baths are one of the deciding factors if you get the job or not. If the interviewer can smell you before he can see you, you might as well kiss that job goodbye (unless you're applying for a skunk farm)
10. Brush your teeth. Use Listerine, Scope, Colgate, Crest, and anything else you might need to freshen your breath. In an interview, you are going to talk and answer questions. Don't make the interviewer regret asking you questions.
11. Guys, don't where sleeveless shirts. People around you don't want to see your armpit hair and all the deodorant chips caught in it. It is disgusting and resteraunts don't like it because people lose their appetite.
12. Above all, be courteous and don't answer questions with "yeah", "uh huh", or "sure". Answer in complete sentences and at least appear intellectually capable for the job. If you look good, then maybe you have a good chance at being hired.

Well, I hope this helps those who might be trying to find a summer job like I am. I might be an air conditioner maintenance man at a local t-shirt manufacturing plant. I'll be working outside the whole time I think in sweltering heat so at the very least, I might get a nice tan.